my head just flirred a moment ago. After listening to a song…
It flirred with a pic of me standing in raindrops of gold. Or rather some golden substance that is glowing from the inside and that i cannot figure out what it is, what it stands for or how i can manage to be out there in the rain when the rain happens, when the gold happens, when in a way i happen.
not sure how i could miss that either — however the truth is: i do not know.
oh shitty unknown! standing up to you really takes all i have. at least that’s a lot.
i’ve heard talks about the unknown for years, you know. oh smartness of the world. nothing shows better how we need to be connected with ourselves to access something that’s at the same time already there and yet weirdly out of reach.
i wish i wish my picture was clearer of what that gold is.
write me a postcard and sign it with your name. be something separate from me, out there in the outside world, something that can yell at me, wave me over and nudge me in the rips so i can feel it’s there.
I’ve promised to not give up on my intention that life will move me. Out there in the unknown to a place that is good for me. Maybe better than the stuff i can imagine.
isn’t it weird how imagination that is there – i mean hello i’ve got a ton of it if i let it flow – but imagining gold for me in my life and with such outrageous fertility as rain watering the earth is too much. And then a rain that’ll probably soak me, where I’ll be exposed in unknown ways and definately out of my comfort zone.
i wish i could flood my apartment. have watered away all the dust and old stuff not needed any more. see clearly when the water subsides what’s left there on firm ground within me.
i quite like to imagine how the water would fill up here on my 5th floor and then cease away, running over stairs, over the roof’s edge and gently shower the streets below. Like the little creeks up in the Alps if there has been rain. And in a silence up here in my apartment, something new would show that wasn’t there before and yet was.
how can i be THAT moved by something unknown. the minute i try to grasp it, it’s gone. Even the song that moved me – serendipity in action by scrolling through facebook – is one that moves me without me clearly being able to listen to the words. it’s as if something skips my brain and goes to the heart directly.
so i looked up the words… makes sense. if i don’t let myself kick dirt in my face, I’ll be able to catch the rain. and i’ll live a life rather than a movie. Ooouh i like that.
you know honestly this does not feel like the proper approach to looking for a job. **sigh** I’ll just keep it unproper and water it properly and let’s see what remains 😉
may my guts be with me.